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I wonder how much of what people show the world is indicative of their real selves. This isn't some sort of wonderful flash of insight of mine, but rather, mulling over something I realized something early on in life but then never thought much about.

I have found lately that I just don't care much if people see more and more of my 'real' self. I have been learning to be honest before myself, before others, and before God. I can't lie to God, so there's no point there; I can make a good cover before others, but I feel like a fraud afterwards; and I can lie to myself, but some other part of me always busts myself (sorry, that was a weird sentence).

I realize I have problems and weak points - probably more than most. Sometimes, in my charitable moments, I wonder what others in this world do with their problems and insecurities. Do they bury them under a mask? I think especially of those I have influence on, my family and friends - and for some reason, those in my church. I wonder how many of them perhaps go through what I go through, or have gone through, in silence. I wonder what it would do to them if they knew they weren't alone. To realize the same demons plagued many a human was a huge burden off my shoulders; to learn of specific individuals going through the same issues was priceless (for this I thank the blog world).

There is no need to cover yourself up in a fake persona. Now, perhaps some level of holding-back is appropriate depending on how close of a relationship you have with the people you're around; but I have a hunch that most people hold back much of what is real, and put up much of what is illusory. What point is there in doing this: to save face? dignity? power? respect? - all the above!?

I think this portrayal of a false self is exacerbated in the Church. Everyone is pounded into being some 'ideal' Christian person. Oh, and everyone is watching you! (Most likely not true). So with such incredible pressure, what more can one do but put up this fake self - this fake 'good' Christian. Isn't the Church all about where sinners come for grace. Didn't Jesus hang out with all the shit of his society - and invite them openly into his family. If not, then I probably don't belong here. I guess people can go on showing others a false image, and most probably will. But I think that only brings harm to the church. Bringing people to Jesus takes honesty, not ideals. If you show people a community of people wearing white robes with golden wings, I have a feeling most will curse at you and walk off to do their own thing. If you show people a community of real humans, accepted just as they are, shown grace and love just as they are, then you might get somewhere. If people think the church is just a place for people who 'got it right', it won't interest them. In my eyes, if you can't ever seem to get it right, God's family is the place to be. It's why I'm still here.

Reflections on Death and Dying

I don't know if I really care much for death. One the one hand (if I'm in the right boat, so to speak), death leads to a time of sleeplike existence, comforted by the presence of God, before God resurrects me from the dead when he acts climactically to restore his whole universe. On the other hand, death means the end of me: my biological function ceases, my consciousness ceases, and I cease to exist; there is no me left to feel or experience. (Of course, there are plenty of other 'on the other hand's, as anyone who has taken a world religion course knows. But, at least for me, those are the only two options that I entertain - at the moment. I could be wrong, it could be neither of the two, but in terms of what actually crosses my mind, the two given above are it). In either case, there is nothing to fear nor to worry about.

But you see, what I do care about is the road that leads to death - that I fear. It is lined with pain and suffering. Whether it is the split second of pain as the bullet impacts the side of your skull before everything goes blank; or the slow, agonizing minutes as you drown, your lungs and blood burning as your blood pH goes whack; or the months/years of pain as cancer eats away at your body. No, the road to death is what I fear. As I realize more and more, for many in this world it is pain and suffering that marks ones dying-process. Starvation and malnutrition; disease and sickness; guns and bombs. All rip people apart, all are full of pain and suffering. Not many are lucky enough to die peacefully in their sleep at a ripe old age.

Perhaps it is right to say I don't fear death - I fear dying.

Grace to you all...my gut says we could all use some.
Kev

Debt Relief, Uber Cool!

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/business/4083676.stm

Yes.

George Lucas and Redaction Criticism

Seeing this site makes me wonder what would happen if we took all the bible scholars and redaction critics and had them go at it with the Star Wars Original Trilogy DVD set. The site chronicles the many changes which Star Wars 4/5/6 have gone through from original release, through special edition release, to the DVD set. Someone coming to the DVD set after the fact and trying to work backwards would have a hell of a time unravelling the many layers of edits over the multiple releases.

I couldn't help but think of the kind of mind boggling detective work redaction critics have to do trying to piece together the various layers of edits and 'multiple releases' of the biblical texts.

Just a thought.

Kev

Debt Relief, Very Cool!

I must say, this is some very cool news. Of course, it's not finalized yet; just talk at the moment. But if the UK follows through on this, I will be very impressed. Also, the US opposition doesn't surprise me....

Hope to have more updates on this as G8 approaches.

Kev

Another post on finding lost faith

I can't help but quote again another wonderful post on Maggi Dawn's blog:

The experience of losing your faith, or of having lost it, is an experience that in the long run belongs to faith; or at least it can belong to faith if faith is still valuable to you, and it must be or you would not have written me about this. I don't know how the kind of faith required of a Christian living in the 20th century can be at all if it is not grounded on this experience that you are having right now of unbelief. "Lord, I believe; help my unbelief" is the most natural and most human and most agonizing prayer in the gospels, and I think it is the foundation prayer of faith.

- Flannery O'Connor

Check out her blog if you haven't done so yet. Great stuff.

Kev